It is starting to happen more and more. Comments from complete strangers criticizing me or my children, especially #1, when we are out in public.
Today's incident has brought me to tears and I can't seem to stop crying about it.
After church I went to eat with a friend of mine who also has three children, so there were 2 adults and 6 kids between the ages of 2 and 4. We were sitting in a booth that had a hard wooden bottom. The kids were being, well, KIDS. Amber and I did our best to keep them from disturbing others and to eat their food. Towards the end, an older couple sat down in the booth behind us.
#1 started swinging his feet and bumping them on the wood below the seat because it made a loud sound. I tried to stop his feet from swinging by holding my foot out underneath the table. The couple, clearly annoyed, glared at us. A few minutes later, #1 did it again. I sternly told him to stop kicking his feet, to which he immediately kicked his feet again.
The man in the booth behind us started kicking his feet into the bench wildly, and glared at us again. I know my son's actions were not right, but I felt the man's actions were way out of line. He was acting like a toddler himself.
My friend pulled #1 into her lap to keep him from kicking again (she was sitting right next to him), but I could not let this man get away without at least knowing the truth. I got up and said, "Excuse me. I'm sorry for my son kicking the seat. He is autistic, and we are doing the best we can to help him learn what to do and what not to do."
The man huffed back, "Well, I didn't know he had a PROBLEM!!"
As we were leaving the restaurant, someone who witnessed the 'incident' from another table sympathized with me, saying the man should not have acted like that.
We left the restaurant, and in the parking lot I burst into tears. My child looks just like other kids look, is the same size as other kids, so people have an expectation that he should behave like other kids. He does not wear a label on his forehead that he is autistic, so when he acts out, strangers are quick to jump to conclusions that I am a bad parent that doesn't discipline her kids. Now that they are getting older, the level of expectations that stragers place on children goes up. Sometimes they make comments, sometimes it is a glare or loud sigh, sometimes it is childishly kicking the seat like the man today.
I don't want to turn a blind eye to disciplining my child to the point where everything is excused away as a part of his autism. Although he has autism, he can learn things and behave, but he may learn in a different way and may take more time than 'normal' kids. Autism is not an excuse, it is just a fact of life of who he is and how God made him.
It is hard being the mom of three young ones so close in age, and doubly so since one of them is autistic and half of the year my husband works every weekend. What I want to scream to them is that I truly am doing the very best I know how. However, I am not a screamer, so instead my reaction is to just cry. Do they know that he was born three months premature weighing 2 lbs 8 oz, that he had seizures as a baby, that he attends a special school to help him learn the social skills, that he goes to speech therapy and occupational therapy, that I've read numerous books on parenting an autisic child?? No, instead they choose to jump to conclusions and be critical. There's no other way to describe it. It just hurts.
Musings on life with three silly boys - there's never a dull moment!
I am so sorry...sending hugs your way! My heart just breaks for you reading this story. We have all had moments when our kids are just being kids and it disturbs someone else and we get the looks.
ReplyDeleteShyanne- I am in tears with you this afternoon! I can not believe how incredibly immature and ridiculous that man behaved. Kicking a bench sounds to me like something any child would have done and I do not feel you even owed that man an explanation. He was so out of line and I am so so angry. I am sorry for your hurt. Our motherly instincts are always to protect our children and I think you handled that situation WAY more gracefully than I would have. I've been particularly amazed recently at how quick strangers are to judge. How different our world would be if each of us took the time to walk in someone's shoes before we reacted.
ReplyDeleteShy-
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that this happened today. I can only imagine much of yourself you give to your children. Unfortunately, there are so many ignorant people in this world. You are doing a fabulous job as mother to these precious 3 angels. I know #1 has many challenges ahead of him in life but he has 1 amazing mother behind him. I am so proud of you for standing up for you baby boy and all the other families out there!!
I want to cry with you. Then, I want to scream! Kicking the bench (let's face it, those are fun benches) is a normal child action. Mine sat in the very same restaurant today making "music" with silverware. I hate that you got that response. I hate that you felt you had to explain yourself. I wish all of the world could understand, most of us are doing the best we know how. Right or wrong, the way others have or not, most of us are doing the best we can with the loving hearts we have. Parenting is not easy. We should cut each other some slack. This man must not have had difficult Sundays with children. By the time we try to have lunch, most of our kids are just "done".
ReplyDeleteSo, I just had Jeff read your post because I have been so sad about it today. He said, "Don't you just wish you could of taken a crap on that guy's table?" Jeff said it's times like that when you'd like to lower yourself to someone else's maturity level and that's about how that man at the restaurant behaved.
ReplyDeleteSo, I was finally able to laugh about your incident today.:) Praying for you, sister!
I hate hearing stories like this...I remember when Maddie was younger, at the time she was our only child, she did not want to leave a movie theater once the show was over and so she threw herself on the floor and proceeded to kick and "have a fit." So, we let her for a short while. Of course an older couple was there and the woman felt the need to turn and stare us down as she walked out. Kids will be kids, Autistic or not, but certainly, adults should remain adults.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mother and you are doing a fantastic job with these precious boys!
My cousin JSue sent me a link to your blog on my FB. She thought that I might be able to relate to your experience and I am very sad to say that I can. I am the mother of 7 year old twin boys, one of which has Asperger Syndrome.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, it is not just "strangers" that behave inappropriately. I remember one Christmas Eve when my boys were 2 years old and we were visiting in-laws in San Antonio. Their tradition was to wait until midnight to exchange presents, so needless to say my son had a few meltdowns throughout the night. At one point a brother-in-law commented that my son was the "demon's child" (to which other's concurred) and my mother-in-law proceeded to tell me that he needed "Psychiatric help". It was the worst Christmas Eve of my life, and I spent the better part of the night in the room crying. Needless to say I have not spent another Christmas Eve in San Antonio since.
I can tell you that it gets much easier, but you will find that you have to continue to defend your child and your parenting skills. We enjoy going out to eat and we continue to do so 1-2 times a week. We have had our share of confrontations and have even been in the position where we had the restaurant pack our food "to go" before it was served. To this day when I walk in a restaurant the first thing I do is scan to find the best table or booth where we will pose the least risk of disturbing others.
No matter what you do, there will always be someone who is eager to criticize. As a mother, I understand what you are feeling, but you have to hold your head up high and not let it get you down. YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE NOT THE ONES WITH THE PROBLEM! I encourage you to continue to stand up in defense of your child and advance autism awareness.
Our son has come a long way over the years. He is able to control himself better and we have also improved at identifing the triggers and coming up with ways to prevent them. We still have our issues, but we see improvements every day. I still find myself down and out from time to time. When that happens I like to bring out my favorite book: "All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome". It helps me put things into perspective and realize how lucky I am to have such as special child.
Shyanne, reading that makes me cry. Cade is PERFECT the way God made him and you are a SUPER MOMMY. I am in awe of you every single day. I love you and all your 4 (Matt included) boys to pieces.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Paige